A big-mountain skier and long-distance runner confronts his history of severe depression and suicidal thoughts in a new documentary called “Feel it All.”
It’s focused on Drew Petersen’s experience in the Leadville 100 trail run — a metaphor, of sorts, for his own mental health journey. Petersen explored similar themes in an earlier ski film, “Ups and Downs,” but this time, he approached the storytelling process with more of a “mission to really affect cultural change.”
“I have struggled my whole life, and I know that other people are out there struggling, and I know that I have the ability to help them,” Petersen told Aspen Public Radio. “So it's this really deep inner volition. … I know what my song is, and until I was talking about this stuff publicly, I was suffocating myself by not singing it.”
“Feel it All” screens at The Arts Campus at Willits (TACAW) on Wednesday night, part of a nationwide film tour with stops in major cities and small mountain communities alike. Petersen said he wants to reach people who are already seeking out stories about mental health as well as viewers who might just show up for the scenic skiing and running footage.
“There are a lot of people coming to watch the film, whether it be in person or online, who are like, ‘Hey, this is a cool ski film,’” or like, ‘Whoa, this is about running 100 miles, I'll check this out,’” Petersen said. “And there are a lot of people who are very surprised by how deep the story goes, if that's their entry point, but that's all the more reason to welcome them into this conversation.”
Petersen spoke with reporter Kaya Williams about why he created this film and what he’s learned about himself in the process. This interview has been edited for clarity and length.
Drew Petersen: Talking about mental health and the growth of mental health awareness and some of the success at breaking down the stigma often does stop at using those two words of “mental health.”
And when I was struggling in silence, I would often look to other stories for inspiration, and oftentimes those stories would leave me feeling more alone, because I'd be like, “Hey, here's this person who's very vulnerable about what they're going through, but like, that sounds like the Diet Coke of depression compared to what I'm living every single day.” That's why I go all the way deep to talk, you know, honestly, about what it's really like, and not just what it's like in an acute phase, but what it's like to experience these things throughout my life.
Kaya Williams: You've been telling these stories for a few years now, and especially with this film, you know, you looked back at your childhood and back at past adventures that you've been on as well. How has this act of storytelling shaped or affected the way that you think about your own mental health, your own experiences with depression?
Petersen: It's been a very enriching and fulfilling journey, just on a personal level. Then, through this act of storytelling and writing and filmmaking, it actually has helped me not just process parts of my journey, but actually unpack and kind of discover some things that were, you know, in one of those back filing cabinets in my brain, collecting dust and some of those things are very painful and difficult to tap into. But at the same time, like, that's the point.
Williams: Do you sense that the culture is changing, and especially the outdoor culture is changing? Are you seeing other people open up in the way that you have?
Petersen: I do sincerely believe that in society, we are making progress at breaking down the stigma and the shame associated with mental health and with suicide. In the outdoor community, I think that we're, you know, making some progress, and we're getting there.
But culture is shaped by how we show up every single day in our lives and in our communities. And what I will tell you is shifting is that I am seeing so many more people feeling safe and feeling welcome to be vulnerable about their own experiences. The number of young men my age who, like, looked me in the eye and said, “I experienced these things too” — that act is having as much of an impact on shifting culture as anything else.
Williams: As you really get into this reflective headspace about your relationship with the outdoors, has it changed the way you see recreation and adventure?
Petersen: My relationship with recreation has shifted a lot over the past few years as I dug in and did a lot of this inner work on myself. In the film, in “Feel it All,” I call out explicitly that skiing and running or any other form of outdoor recreation can be therapeutic, but in no way, shape or form, are they a substitute for real therapy.
That was a very conscious decision to put that in the film, because I think that really speaks to and epitomizes how my relationship with skiing and running has gotten so much richer and so much more fun and fulfilling and liberating and exhilarating because I'm taking care of myself in a multitude of ways other than just recreation, and I'm not just using skiing and running as an escape anymore. I'm using it as one component of my very built-out mental health toolkit. And I think that's part of the cultural shift too.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, you can call or text the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. You can also call the local Aspen Hope Center: 970-925-5858 from Aspen to Glenwood Springs and 970-945-3728 from New Castle to Parachute. Additional resources are available online through the Aspen Hope Center and HeadQuarters, which offers a director of mental health providers.
